Hi, I'm Taco.

When I meet new people, and they say “Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

I always start with what I’m not.

I’m not tall, but I’m not short.

I’m not a social butterfly.

I’m not a people person in general.

I’m not good at math.

I’m not very trusting.

I’m not physically fit.

I’m not fond of mustard.

I’m not the most attractive guy

But I’m not the ugliest.

I’m not a sweet person

I’m not a generally kind person.

And then I move on to what I can be.

I can be mean.

I can be vindictive.

I can be the guy that rips you open with a knife sharpened with insults specifically tailored to fit the hole your insecurities leave in your armor.

But if I like you and we become friends or what-the-fuck-ever?

I can be the guy that never lets you down.

I can be the guy that will always do anything he can for you.

I can be that guy that drives 20 miles with some pizza and a stack of movies because you didn’t want to be alone tonight.

If only I had a car.

Now I’ll tell you what I am.

I’m rude.

I’m loyal.

I’m anxious.

I’m depressed.

I’m scared.

I’m angry.

I’m funny.

What do you mean you want me to tell you a joke?

I just told you all about my favorite one.

Cynicism.

I've been told I’m a cynic.

A cynical piece of shit that needs to lighten up and see the beauty in the world.

Well, let me tell you, it’s not that easy when you grew up only seeing the worst in people.

For someone my age as introverted and antisocial as I am, I’ve seen a lot of things.

I grew up bullied. I've been called every name in the book ten times over. There’s nothing you can call me that I haven’t heard before. It taught me that people are cruel.

I grew up friendless. I never went places. I never hung out with anyone. I sat in my room playing Halo alone until the blister marks on my fingers looked like halos. It taught me that I don’t need anyone.

My family is full of drug addicts and ex-gang members. My aunt overdosed and nearly died on my couch when I was 15. Another aunt died from an overdose right after I left California from visiting her. So don’t be surprised if you offer me a joint, pill or needle and I say “No thanks”.

I learned early on that death is unavoidable. If I remember correctly, my first family member died when I was 6 years old. I've been to 11 funerals in the past 9 or 10 years. It taught me to accept the mortality of myself and everyone around me. Most people, I don’t know and won’t care about when they’re gone. A handful of people I care dearly about, I’ll cry when they’re gone. And another handful of people, I’ll dance on their grave.

When you grow up bullied, friendless, and constantly betrayed by people, you learn to perceive everyone as a liar and an asshole. You never let anyone get close because of it.

When everyone you know is dying, when your family is dying of overdoses or getting murdered, your entire worldview changes.

When you get used by people throughout your entire life, you start to get in the mindset that no one really gives a fuck about you, and you start not giving a fuck about anyone.

Wanna know how I see things?

I see that there’s absolutely no meaning to life. We’re born, we live, and we die. You ever think about how big everything except us is? In the entire perceivable universe, Earth is nothing but a speck.

And that’s only the perceivable universe. There’s more that we can’t see.

We’re nothing.

And everyone tries to ignore just how insignificant we really are.

So yeah, I’m a cynic.

But that’s only because I’m a realist.