my flaws are your cosign, epitomous of the benign.

i'm writing this not with the intention of showing it to you, but with the knowledge that i probably will.


this has been one of the most defining years of my life for many, many reasons. it's not even over but i know that this is the moment where i become who i'm going to be. for better or worse.

from the very first day of 2022, it was a shitshow. in a week, it was worse. by february, it was the worst year of my life. i'm not going to rehash these events.

by my break-up in august i had already mourned the nearly two-year relationship throughout the entirety of july.

i didn't cry much. there were tears, but not like the first time. i still feel shitty about that.

we knew it was coming. i think we'd known for a long time.

it's funny, i think, that years ago when a fleeting thought of dating her would enter my mind, i'd think

"nah. would never work. we're waaaay too different. better as friends."

and then i moved to austin. and we hung out regularly.

and i fell in love.

and if there's one thing i am that's worse when in love, it's stubborn. i'll chase things and people and feelings to the ends of the earth and beyond. one of my worst habits. caused me and a lot of other people a lot of grief.

this was no exception.

i wasted her time trying to be something i could never be. that i don't want to be.

i'm a do-er, she's a planner.

this is an oversimplification, but both of these approaches to life are fine - i could definitely use a bit more planning skills, personally. but to the extent that we are these things, and to the extent that we care so deeply about being these things, it didn't mesh.

in order to satisfy her needs i had to compromise mine, and vice versa. it wasn't sustainable.

and if nothing else, i'm proud that i finally managed to pull my head out of my ass, put my foot down, and stop myself from dragging this girl down with me.

(i don't particularly think i'm dragging myself down just yet, but i know i'm certainly more likely to do it to myself than she is to herself.)

and after that? my only plan was leave austin. by the end of the month.

didn't know where. didn't care. didn't want to go back to albuquerque, but if i had to it was no big. didn't matter. nothing does.

august was a blur of emotions and apathy in equal measure. i didn't care where my future took me - i was excited at the unknown. i was sad that i had to leave, that i couldn't find it in me to make it work. angry that i had failed in a metric that, within my own life, never mattered to me - but it mattered to her, and maybe if it mattered to me a little more or maybe if i cared more or maybe if i just tried a little bit fucking harder -

right back into "i don't care."

asked around. hit up friends i hadn't spoken to in about a year. plan was constantly in flux. first phoenix. expensive. difficult to make work - but my best friend is there. chicago. cheap, not soon enough, no place to stay.

eventually, ohio.

and here i am.

columbus, ohio. not a city i ever imagined i'd live in. i don't know what i'm going to do next. i don't know what my best move is, i don't know what tomorrow looks like, i don't know who i am.

someone told me they hope i find what i'm looking for in ohio.

me too, man. because i'm looking for myself.

i am your sun, i do not shine.

i am in the worst mental state i have ever been in.

michelle is dead.

i wouldn't be who i am today without her. she helped me to grow out of someone i hated into someone i'm learning not to hate, and i will never get to tell her what that means to me. what she meant to me. everything she's helped me through, with just a handful of conversations and a good heart.

granger is dead.

i keep him on my left arm, colored in and facing outward so that i can look down and see him whenever i need his stupid fucking humor. we were so proud of him. he was about to finally get the help he needed, turn his health around. we are proud of him. a lifetime ahead turned into months into weeks into days into gone before we knew it. 

i didn't get to see him. instead i was in california at my dad's request, spending time with family i don't give a fuck about to see an aging grandma who's still alive when my best friend isn't.

granger saw my last message. i told him i love him. i tell myself i'm good with that but i'm fucking not. he died while i was on my way to him with the ten dollars that i never owed him in my pocket.

because i would do anything for my dad.

it's not fair for me to blame him for this. i know that. it's not his fault. shit was fucked up from the start.

but i blame him.

and then he takes my car from me.

i can't trust him anymore. and i'm realizing i haven't been able to for a very, very long time.

but i love him. and i'll make that mistake again, because i would do anything for my dad.

these last few months have been such a whirlwind of constant intense emotion that, even though i'm a champion at being able to compartmentalize and handle it and keep moving, i'm cracking.

i'm being swallowed by guilt long forgotten but never forgiven.

i'm drafting apologies for people who'd rather i was dead. and maybe it's selfish of me.

it is selfish of me. i hope that they'll get something out of it. that'll it help close the trauma i've caused, or help them move on, or maybe they'll get a kick knowing that i'm being eaten alive.

but i'm doing it for me. i have to acknowledge the boulder crushing my ribs before i'm able to get it off of my chest.

i don't care if they forgive me. truth be told, they probably shouldn't.

i'm just trying to forgive myself.

i'm trying to convince myself i deserve what i have.

a high school drop out who did fuck all through his late-teens and early-twenties shouldn't be living comfortably in a house that's not his with a job he's horribly underqualified for.

everything i've ever had has been given to me or has fallen in my lap.

my first car. my first apartment. the money to move to austin. a place to return to austin. a good job.

i didn't do any of this. other people did it for me. i have done nothing for myself except squander every advantage i've ever been given because i don't deserve it.

i hate myself for it. i'm trying to take it all away because it doesn't belong to me.

i'm acting like a child. i'm ruining my relationship. i'm spending money when i need to buy a fucking car so that there's one less thing driving her away from me.

i hate myself.

i hate myself.

i hate myself so fucking much.

i'm shifting blame and refusing responsibility for everything i'm doing wrong now because i'm too focused on everything i did wrong years ago. i'm a liar and a hypocrite and a coward and an asshole.

maybe i've always been this bad. i hope not. maybe it just feels worse now because i'm aware of it.

i want to be a good person.

i don't know how.

i think of who i want to be and all i can see is who i was and am and how there is far less difference between the two than i would like.

and i hate myself.

i'm shutting down and withdrawing because no one should have to deal with me.

maybe this is all just self pity. i know it sounds like it.

maybe writing this out was a waste of time. probably.

i am so tired of this.

i am so tired.

i just want to rewind to when i left albuquerque. when i was still okay.

maybe i was always this bad and i fooled myself into thinking i was better.

but i was happier. i had my friends. i had her. i had a sense of self. i was still excited for the future.

the only thing i have left is grit.

i'm a piece of shit, but i'm a stubborn one.

i'm trying.

maybe i've said that a million times. maybe it won't be enough.

but i'm giving this all i've got because it's all i have left.