Parakeets and Golden Retrievers.

I've been called two different animals, by two important people at different times in my life.

First, I was called a parakeet. I was called that for months before I was finally told what it meant.

"Birds are hostile.
Really hostile things.
Mean.
But they also can't stand being alone.
Especially in captivity.
And parakeets, I remember
They have to be bought in pairs, usually
And if one dies,
You have to replace it.
Before the other one gets lonely, or bored
It feels abandoned, alone.
They need to be talked to often
They start peeling away their feathers, too.
They're anxious creatures.
It's a cruel thing, to get just one."

It fit. That was a couple years ago, but it still fits, I think. I've always been generally hostile. I used to be a whole lot worse, but even so I'm still a dick.

But I have a crippling fear of being alone. Of losing my friends. Of people leaving me. Forgetting me. I think that may be part of the reason I do some of the crazy shit I do. It's memorable. People can't forget me that way.

When I was called a Golden Retriever, it wasn't directly.
The person who called me that had their own blog, much like this. Posted about a Golden Retriever. Its loyalty.

They said,
"Real friends are Golden Retrievers.
Real friends are loyal.
I've realized that some people honest to god cannot vocalize emotions for the life of them,
but that actions speak volumes when they come to your rescue.
Yes, communication is INCREDIBLY important,
but there's something to be said about non-verbal.
Maybe you were never good at telling me how you felt,
But if I'd have know how fast you'd run to catch me,
maybe things would be different."

The particular situation that brought this up, was, this person had gotten arrested. And knowing them, one of the kindest, sweetest people you would ever meet who sometimes made impulsive decisions, did not belong in jail. When I heard the news, and that they were still there, I rushed. I panicked. I called everyone asking if they had money I could borrow to post bail. I'm a huge gamer. Games are one of the biggest aspects of my life.

I was prepared to sell every single one if I had to.

And when I was in my other friend's car, trying to round up money to post bail, and someone told the bail was actually $1000 instead of the $100 I previously thought?
I nearly broke down in tears.

I devote myself to people. Sometimes to a fault, sometimes to an unhealthy degree. But you can't say that I'm not there if you need me. Because I make sure to tell people that almost every day.

Anyways, this rambling has been on my mind a lot.
Especially now that one of these people recently re-entered my life, while the other just left. Hopefully it's just a vacation, but if it's permanently then that's okay too.
I can't decide if I'm one or the other, both, or neither.

But I've never been a good judge of myself.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Those who routinely place the blame on themselves for everything, even if it has nothing to do with them, won't hesitate to believe you when you tell them they're abusive.

Because there has to be an explanation why you're leaving. Why I fucked everything up. And they'll pick apart every second of that however long relationship and go over it with a fine tooth comb, finding every mistake they made, every little hiccup and fuck up, any time they were yelling at you in what was a two way shouting match, and take the blame from you and put it all on them, Just to validate what you told them, to validate this new identity as a monster you created for them even though none of this is what you intended because they care too damn much for you to see you as anything less than perfect and, yes.

That's unhealthy. And probably contributed to a lot of the things you would call abuse.
They refuse to confront the times that you hurt them. They can't stand to think that this person would betray them like that, especially not more than once. That this person doesn't appreciate all the time given, so much time that they have none to themselves. They dedicate themselves to this person.

And yes, things get bad sometimes. Things got fucking awful and nasty and both of you said things you shouldn't have. And it's unfortuante that it went that way.

But if you call, what is at it's core, dedication, no matter the flaws surounding it, if you call dedication, abuse? Then that person is broken.

That's all I know how to do. Clearly I need to work on how I do it because I let you walk all over me and you never realized you were doing it. And that's my fault. But I am not an abuser. I am not a monster.

Maybe if we had caught things earlier, and stopped them, things might be different.
We might've been able to at least stay friends.
I'm sorry.