...not as much as the way her god damn voice sounds

 i haven't felt this good about anything in a long time.

i didn't get much sleep last night, but that's alright

i'm going to do better this time.

you won't find objective truth in a final rhyming couplet.

i made it.

a step you can't take back

i'm moving this month.
in a couple weeks.
i still haven't
packed anything. done any of the shit i need for my car except the windshield, that my dad paid for.
all i did was get boxes, and make plans.

empty boxes, leaning against my closet door.
if you ask me what i'm going to do, i will give you my detailed long term step-by-step plan.
if you ask me what i've done, i'll shrug.

i'm running out of time.
i'm running out of time and i'm allowing myself to because i'm scared.

i am so fucking scared.

i don't want to come back.

everyone thinks i can.

everyone is so fucking certain but they've never seen how bad i can fuck everything up.

i really don't want to fuck up again. i don't want to come back. i want the move to be the thing that tells me who i am. i want austin to be the place that feels like home. i want this to be the last time i see my mom again until my dad's funeral.

i don't know that this is what's going to make me happy. i could never know that. but i know that getting away from albuquerque will make it a lot easier to be happy.

which is why failure is not a fucking option.

i am not coming back.

sometimes i'm awake thinkin' about fuckin' things up for myself again.

it's been a minute.

nearly three years since the last time i posted on here.

i still come back to read this sometimes.

i guess i should update.

i'm almost 23.

i don't talk to my mom anymore.

i'm not a boxer. i know how to box, but that dream never got off the ground. i'd still like to get into it seriously sometimes, but in the last three years i learned i have a huge problem with sticking to things.

i failed chasing the idea of being an EMT, a firefighter, anything in between.

i learned to exist in the moment. it's where i work best. planning was never my strong suit.

i don't know if i'm happier. i don't know what 'happy' means.

i think i'm in a better place than i used to be. i'm still fucked up, but i'm getting better. or at least, that's what people tell me. i'm not a good judge of myself.

i'm still learning how to treat people i care about. i'm trying to be more careful with my words. it doesn't always work. (i'm sorry jade.)

i've become more confident, i think. i handle social situations better. i still prefer to keep my nose in my phone and my thoughts to myself but i'm not afraid of talking to people.

i'm protective. i know this about myself now. i guess i always knew it, kind of, but recent events have brought it to the forefront of my attention. it's cliche to say it but i refuse to let anyone make my friends feel like shit.

i've been on a plane, now. it was cool. because of that, i'm planning on moving to austin. for the first time in my life, i have savings. i'm trying not to spend too much of it. sometimes i'm good at that, sometimes i spend six hundred bucks on a handgun.

but i told myself i couldn't have the three hundred dollar shotgun so, y'know, baby steps.

i don't know how much of that is self-sabotage and how much of it is me just being bad at handling money.

but i know i've never let myself get this close to success before.

i'm terrified. i'm terrified that rose is going to back out for some reason or other. i'm terrified that i won't be able to do it. i'm terrified that i'll have to come back to albuquerque with my tail between my legs.

my dad told me i'm a glutton for punishment, and i'm realizing right now as i write this that he didn't mean from her.

i'm my own punishment.

and i've been trying to break that habit for years.

i don't know what made me want to write. i'm not particularly sad, or angry. quarantine has left me with more time to think than act, i think.

maybe three years of shit is just too much to hold onto without putting it somewhere.

i just hope i'm better than the person i think i am.