a step you can't take back

i'm moving this month.
in a couple weeks.
i still haven't
packed anything. done any of the shit i need for my car except the windshield, that my dad paid for.
all i did was get boxes, and make plans.

empty boxes, leaning against my closet door.
if you ask me what i'm going to do, i will give you my detailed long term step-by-step plan.
if you ask me what i've done, i'll shrug.

i'm running out of time.
i'm running out of time and i'm allowing myself to because i'm scared.

i am so fucking scared.

i don't want to come back.

everyone thinks i can.

everyone is so fucking certain but they've never seen how bad i can fuck everything up.

i really don't want to fuck up again. i don't want to come back. i want the move to be the thing that tells me who i am. i want austin to be the place that feels like home. i want this to be the last time i see my mom again until my dad's funeral.

i don't know that this is what's going to make me happy. i could never know that. but i know that getting away from albuquerque will make it a lot easier to be happy.

which is why failure is not a fucking option.

i am not coming back.