I began to understand why God died

You weren't life's apology to me.

Life needs to apologize to me because of you.

My skin that wrapped my frame wasn't made to play this game

Alright look

I don't want to be your friend, ever again.
And I know you don't want to be mine.

But I don't want to be your enemy.

I appreciate everything you did for me.
I just ask that you remember what I did for you, too. Even if you didn't appreciate it.

I was there for you.
You were there for me.
I'm not awful.
You're not awful.

We could scream at each other for hours, calling each other classless, egregious, selfish, coy.

But my first thought, when I hear your name?

a 4am Rocky marathon because I was sad and needed a place to stay.
A drunken walk around the block talking about our abusive exes.
Laughing at people we found on Tinder.
Leroy The Trash King.
Hell, you and I are so fucking similar, it seemed you were the only person who properly understood what the fuck I felt sometimes.

I will never, EVER forget what you've done for me.

I'm not proud of the shit I said
And I don't expect an apology from you, and that's fine, you shouldn't expect one from me either.
I don't care about all that.

Maybe you and I ruined any chance at being friends again that night. And yeah, I started it. And we both escalated it.
Fine.

But I'm not gonna carry anymore hate. Anymore anger. I'm done with it.
I see you on the street? I'll say hi.

But I'm not gonna ask how you're doing.
I'm just gonna assume,

Okay.

365 days.

It's been a year and some change.

I can't remember the exact date anymore, and that's good.

I thought I was past it all. I thought I was past you.

But the more time passes, the more things I find that I swept under the rug.

At the time, it was so that your perfect image is my eyes would remain untarnished.

Like the time you pressured me to drink, knowing I was supressing an addiction.

The times you made me feel like it was a gift to have you.

The times you made me feel like stripping myself of who I am was all for growing.

The times I tried to stop an argument for happening, like I promised, but you kept pushing.

When you called me a "jackass" for wanting to calm down before we continued a conversation.

I didn't insult or raise my voice at you in that argument.

All I said was "I'm upset, I don't want to talk about it right now. We'll talk when I'm calm so this doesn't become an argument." I remember those words leaving my mouth as clear as day.

I remember because your response was "I'M TRYING TO TALK ABOUT IT, WHY ARE YOU BEING A FUCKIN JACKASS ABOUT IT?"

So I got up. Out of bed.

The first time I stood up for myself. I grabbed my pillow.
Didn't say a word to you.

Grabbed a blanket, and lied down on the couch.

I didn't want to be near you.

You came in 20 minutes later.

"Fuck you. You're being such a child."

I still didn't insult you.

I just asked to be left alone.

Does this excuse the times I actually did yell and insult you? No, of course not. I'm not trying to hide that. And if anyone asks, I actively tell them I wasn't great either.

I'm only showing what I refused to believe before.
Not that you did it more, or that you did it worse, that's irrelevant.

But you did it.
And you did so much more than just that.

You once told me, that you had a habit of fixing people and then being forgotten by them.

I wish that were true. I wish both of those statements were true.

Because you sure as shit didn't fix me.
You broke me.
You ruined me.
And you unfriended me, because I assume you don't want to live with the thought that you damaged someone so badly that they're still reeling a year later.

I wish I could forget you. I wish I could just be better and forget that someone I loved with everything I had hurt me so severely.

But sadly, you'll always be a big part of my life.
I just wish it was as "My first love" and not "The girl who ruined me."

I wish my memories with you could've just been the good ones.
Hell, I wish I still remembered the good ones.

But, it's better like this.
It's better that I remember what you've done.
I'm so far removed that I can see it.
I can see what you did.

And I fucking hate you for it all.

I hope you succeed in whatever it is you finally decide you want to do with yourself

But succeed far the fuck away from me.

Nothing kills a man faster than his own head.

I'm sitting in the dark.
2:40 am.
Sleepless. I can't sleep.
Insomnia is back in full swing.
I'm just blasting music in my ears so that it'll drown my thoughts but if it gets too much I can pull my earphones out and just hear

Silence.
Solitude.

I haven't done this since high school.
I haven't been this bad since stress was literally making my hair fall out.
I haven't been this sleepless since I used to sleep through an entire school day.
I haven't been this lethargic since I would lay in bed for days at a time.

Even she didn't make me this bad.

I've concluded that the only thing that gets me this bad is myself.

There's a difference this time, though.

Last time, I didn't have the capacity to care about myself.
I sat, and I sat, and did nothing.

This time, I don't want to be like this. I can be better than this.

I need to get out.
I need to see people.

So please, if you know of anything going on, or just wanna hang out, lemme know.
I'll be there.

But I don't want your pity.
We won't talk about my depression or my issues.

I'm not asking for pity, I'm asking for a friend. I'm asking for help to get me off my ass.

And that'll help tremendously.

You are not your failures.

To the last girl.

I didn't always treat you right, and for that I am sorry.
I could sit here and blame it on my past abuse, and while there's truth to that, there's no excuse.

I got angry at stupid shit.
I'm still working on it. I'm still a work in progress.

I didn't trust you all too well, and that was through almost no fault of your own.

I'm very private, very cold.
And I should've been able to talk to you.

I am not blind to my faults.

I want to make this very clear, however.

I am not asking for you back.

I do not want to be with you.

I am not angry.

I have no resentment.

I do love you. And I did my best to show that, whether it was enough is another story.

I tried.
I know you did too.

But what we should've and could've been does not change that we weren't.

I don't think we're supposed to be together. Not anymore.

We've helped each other forward as much as we could.

It had to stop before we started pulling each other backwards.

We have to be individuals now.

I could sit here and list the reasons I left you.

But this isn't like the last time.
There's nothing I want to get off my mind.
There's no reason for me to put anything in the public eye.
There's nothing for me to come to terms with, I'm already set.
I have my closure, mostly.

And I hope you do too.

If not, I'll talk to you.
I won't leave you without it if you need it.

I know what that's like, and it's hell.

Have a good one.
I'm sorry.

I don't want to fall away

Before you came along, I was great.

I had everything.
I was on top of the world.
I was happy, I just didn't know it.

But I wasn't what you thought as "successful"
So you took me.

Before you showed up
I would play video games and laugh and have fun.
I went out with my friends.
I went to boxing.
I would read comics all night long and have the time of my life.

Now
Video games don't keep me hooked like they used to.
I barely go out. I talk to few.
I haven't been in a gym since.
I don't read comics.

You took me.
You took myself away from me.

I was the most complete version of me before you came along.

I don't know who I am.

Because I am not me.

I want me back.
I want you to give me back myself.
Everything you took from me
Every little quirk, or aspect of myself that I lost because of you

I want it back.

I want to be myself again.

Based on true events.

He lay awake, next to her, sleeping soundly.
He was always jealous of her sleep. He never seemed to get enough while she got enough for the both of them.
It's 7:43am. He has work in 2 hours.
He hasn't slept a wink. He can't. Not with the thunderous storm of self-doubt and distrust raging in his brain.

~buzz buzz~

She has a message.

He grabs her phone off the nightstand and slinks out of bed. His thumb slides across the screen, her passcode seared into his muscle memory.

It's the other boy.
With another encouraging hedgehog.

His heart drops when he sees the name on her screen
He scrolls and scrolls

The other boy's flirting and she's encouraging it

His heart is racing. How long does this go on?

He's shaking. He doesn't remember when he started crying.

He closes her phone. His heart racing feels like it's going to pop in his throat.

He puts her phone back and climbs back in bed.

He clings to her back.

He's sobbing now.

She begins to stir.

"Wha-?" she asks, half-awake and confused.

"Please don't."

"What are you talking about?"

She's sitting up.
He's still clinging to her.

"Please-- don't do it-- again." He pleads in-between sobs

He's holding tighter

"Please don't cheat."

She glances at the clock.

"Babe, it's 8:30! Have you even slept?"

She slides out of his grip.
He's still sobbing.
She doesn't acknowlege it.

"You need to get to work! I gotta get some sleep so I can set up for the party."

The party.
The other boy will be there.

He'll be at work until late.

His breaths sharpen.
His heart beats faster.
He hold the bed.
He sobs louder.

"I can't go. He'll be here."

"Are you kidding me? You're just trying to get out of going to work."

Was he? He wasn't sure.
He went through her phone. That's not okay.

"I'm sorry."

"You need to go to work."

"He'll be here."

She raises her voice.

"Yeah, with his girlfriend. You're telling me you can't go to work because you can't trust me with friends who are all bringing their significant others? You're ridiculous."

That makes sense to his logical brain.
Why can't he tear himself from these sheets?
He doesn't understand why he's like this.
There's no reason for it.
She's right, right?
But he can't stop.
His voice is a damaged record.

"I can't go."

"Then I don't want your fucking friends here."

Now he's angry.

Now it's in prespective.
He grip tightens.
He starts shaking.
He stops sobbing.
He raises his head.
He heart beats louder than his voice in his ears.

"You're getting mad at me? I can't trust you! You cheated on me twice!"

She gasps. Stands up.
Puts her bottom lip out.
Her voice shakes.
Everything she does when she deflects guilt.

"How fucking dare you throw that at me? I feel so guilty about it and you're throwing it back at me! That's really not okay!"

"But it's okay to flirt with other people?"

She storms into the bathroom and shuts the door.

He checks the time.

9:30.

He's late for work.