Ignore my venting. Ignore it.

I wrote this a long time ago to vent.
It's not as relevent anymore.
But I still feel it belongs here.

You're not going to read this.
Why would you?

You're done with me.

I told you.
Didn't I?

I told you it’d happen. It always happens.
But you never believed me.
You always held strong to the belief that you’d stay.
Whether your faith was in yourself or me, I can’t say.
But we can both agree you were wrong, and I was right.
I’m always right, yeah?

I wish I wasn't.
I wish that I still had my best friend by my side.
I wish I didn't push you away the way that I did.
I wish I wasn't the way I am.

I wish you didn't hate me.
Because I could never hate you in return.

I know why you abandoned me.
And I completely understand.
That doesn't change that I’m depressed, though.
It doesn't change how I've been broken up since February.
How I get quiet at the mention of your name.
How I can’t handle seeing you in person because then all I do is remember.

I have a fantastic memory. You know that.
I remember every good time, and every bad.
And there were a lot of both.
I can’t see a duck without thinking of the time ducks attacked us, and chuckling.
I can’t go to Nob Hill without remembering every single spot where I made a stupid joke.
Every store we stopped at just to check it out.
It’s because of you that Nob Hill is my favorite place in all of Albuquerque.
I can’t go to the duck pond without at least staring at where we sat for 2 hours.
I can’t see your name on Facebook without remembering how we spoke all day, every day, no exceptions.

And you know what? It hurts.
But just because it makes me sad doesn't mean I’m not angry.
I’m furious.
Fuck you.
Fuck you for seeing me as some kind of broken thing to fix.
Fuck you for never realizing that I am the way I am for a reason.
Fuck you for taking “I can’t change” as a challenge.
Fuck you for failing to understand that I don’t want or need help.

But thank you for trying.
Maybe next time I’ll think of you and give it a shot.

Y'know, I didn't intend this blog to get deep, ever. I thought I was just gonna fuck around on it.

But that doesn't seem to be where this is headed.