My brain's really scrambled right now.
I don't know what's going on.
I feel alone, guilty, angry.
I know why I'm guilty.
I'm an asshole.
I should've figured I wasn't ready when she called, told me she rolled her car so that I didn't get any misinformation and immediately went into a panic of how she is how is she gonna handle this she must be freaking out does she need a ride to work? I can do that no you dumbass she doesn't want you in her life you fucking god damn idiot get that through your thick fucking skull stop looking at her instagram stop checking her tumblr yes you're still blocked on facebook get out of her life
I don't know why I feel alone. There's no reason to. I have friends. And I've been making new friends at work. Hell, I just hung out with a fuck ton of friends the other night. It was great.
Why do I feel alone? It doesn't make any sense. I can't make heads or tails of anything.
I'm angry because I'm not your fucking monster. You tried to make me your blame magnet and make me a monster and I should hate you for that, I should be angry about that but that's not what I'm angry about I'm angry that you did that to me, and after all that and some more I'd still move fucking mountains for you. I'm angry because, I don't care if we haven't spoken in 10 minutes or 10 years, I'd still fucking sprint to your side if you needed me because god damn that's who I am. That's what I do.
You always said it and everyone else said and all that past life shit said it.
I'm your fucking shield.
I'm everyone's shield.
I get beat up and I beat myself up because god damn it I don't want to hurt people anymore but that's all I know how to fucking do.
Every fucking person I care about I end up hurting and I don't know how to stop and it's bullshit I want to make someone happy for fucking once without hurting them.
I'm fucking sick of this.
I'm sick of being a walking bad decision.
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