Opening the cellar door.

I just realized and came to terms with a lot of things, and I'm fucking pissed.

You were always so scared of me leaving you for someone else, finding someone better, cheating on you and those fears weren't through any action of my own but from your past experiences, and that was fine. I understood.

I assured you and assured you as many times as you needed to hear it that I would always be faithful to you. I wouldn't leave you for someone else, I would NEVER cheat on you, or anyone for that matter.

And I assumed I coud hold you to those same promises just due to the fear and hurt you had from your past experiences and that was the biggest mistake I had ever made.

I am not a trusting person. I can list off on one hand the people I wholeheartedly trust, and you used to be part of that. I realized you haven't been part of that for quite some time now.

You cheated on me twice.
I assured you hundreds of times over, comforted you, promised you that I woud never fuck you up like that, but you would. A one time mistake, I can forgive, and have, because that was the first time we dated and shit was going downhill fast. It fucked me up but I've forgiven you and him for that.

The second time?

There's no fucking excuse for that.
Not a single fucking one.
You were upset with me because I never surprised you anymore. We had only just gotten back together like a month and a half ago.
So I dropped you a little note. I took out the trash and I'd do the dishes when I got off work.
You asked if I could crash at my parents house that night so that you could have a couple friends over, so I said sure, I'll do the dishes another time.

Guess what you texted me later that night.
"I kissed her."
You know what your excuse was?
My surprise scared you into kissing her. My offer of doing the dishes

Made you cheat on me.

Everything was going great, we were happy.
But you fucked me up AGAIN.
YOU BETRAYED ME TWICE.

And you know what I did?
I was so fucking in love with you that I let it slide, never coming to terms with how much you fucked me up. And that fucked me up worse.

I never occured to me that the reason I started checking your phone constantly was because you had given me reason not to trust you. That you had given me reason to suspect any time you said you'll be home late that you might be cheating on me for a third time.

I HATED myself for having to check your phone. I thought I was being the most unreasonable person in the world because I wanted to trust you but you had made that impossible.

You made me swear up and down, day and night, over and over and over again that I would always be faithful, but you couldn't be bothered.
You didn't care.

And immediately after you fucking cheated on me the second time, that night, when we were talking, you tried to manipuate me into having a "relationship" where I could provide you the emotional coddling you wanted while you went out and fucked anyone you wanted.
Another thing I let slide and buried inside.
So fuck you for all of that.

And the thing that pisses me off the most, is him.
No, not him himself, he's a great guy, and he's probably better for you than me.
But you know what I'm getting at.

One time, when we almost broke up, you told me you were feeling really strongly towards him and if we broke up you'd go right to him.
First of all WHY THE FUCK would you tell me that
WHY THE FUCK would you fuck me up like that
So fuck you for that.

Second of all, when you said you wanted to try and make it work, not when I pushed you to promise me that you'll try, which I did and will own up to, but when YOU said it, When YOU wanted to try, knowing that my trust is fucked with, knowing that I know that you have feelings for this guy, you wanted to keep going, and of course I said yes because I was too fucking blinded to realize anything.

When you wanted to spend time with me (which was never doing anything I wanted to do, by the way), when we were watching YOUR SHOWS, you wouldn't talk to me, you wouldn't watch the fucking show, even.
You would sit there and text him all fucking night and every fucking time I looked up at you to say something and I saw you texting with his name on your phone which was 9 times out of 10 that I looked at you, it fucking ripped me to shreds.

You made me swear up and down, day and night, over and over and over again that I would never leave you for someone else, but you couldn't be bothered.
You didn't care.

Because that's exactly what you fucking did.
You didn't have the mercy to at least end it sooner because I know that you know that you were fucking me up because I know now, looking back at it, the shit I was doing, the checking your phone, the refusing to go to work because you and him would be here without me, the waking you up holding on to you and bawling my eyes out, YOU FUCKING KNEW.
There was no way that you didn't.

I'm fucking angry right now. Everything's coming out.
I opened the cellar door.

But I'm not bitter.
I won't take this out on the next person to come around.
And I don't hate you.
And if you need me, I'll still be there.

But don't fuck him up like you fucked me up.
I'm your mistake.
Learn from me.