The inevitable.

I'm scared that my dad's gonna die.
I know he's going to die.
He's dying.
Slowly.
He can die as I'm writing this.
He can die in 20 years.
And I'm not saying that to be facetious and dramatic. As I've said before in some of my other posts, my dad is very sick.
And there is a very real risk of him dropping dead at any moment.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.

Every time I think I've accepted it, there's some big scare that sends me into hysterics and realizing that I'm not ready for him to go.

I'm a disappointment. I'm lazy. I'm a fucking drop out. I used to say, since I was literally 2 years old, that I was gonna graduate at UCLA, and my dad boasted that fact proudly for years because, yeah, y'know what, I could've made it.

But then I couldn't even finish high school.

I can never shake the feeling that he's disappointed in me and I'm his only surviving son and I don't want him to die thinking I'm just sitting on my bed playing video games all day. And sure, I just got a new job, but my last one, I held for about 7 months. In that 7 months, I had almost 30 absences.

The tolerance is 8. I should've been fired after 2 months. I was lucky. And I know he's disappointed in that.

I just want to make him proud before he's gone.

I'm scared that I'm gonna lose the people I've reconnected with recently. One of them left in the first place because I was a complete asshole and toxic to be around, and I missed her something fierce. She was my best friend for a long time, and anytime I talk to her or hang out with her I feel like I've got something to prove, and as far as I'm concerned, I do. She can swear up and down that the past is in the past but god damn it the past is where I live. I'm stuck in it.

Another person, I left because of something they did. A massive betrayal. I learned to forgive, and in a time of panic and crisis I called him and he was there in 15 minutes. After not talking for 6 months, he showed up when I needed him with no hesitation. But he's a hermit. He was there when I needed him but I'm constantly bugging him to hang out and talk and play games with me mostly because I just wanna catch up on time lost. And I know that he's constantly busy, 2 jobs and a family life now, which is fine, y'know, live your life.
But the anxiety and natural fear I have eats me. I know he's not avoiding me, but got damn it I can't get rid of that feeling. That he's already sick of me, that he thinks I'm annoying and clingy and needy and still an immature piece of shit and that it was a mistake to help me.

I don't want to lose anyone else.

I'm scared that one day my dad is gonna die and I'm gonna show up on your doorstep panicked and lost and in shock and needing you and you're gonna tell me to fuck off which you have every single right to do.

But I know that when it happens, I will show up on your doorstep. You're the only person that's ever been able to calm me down when it comes to my dad. I'll show up, knock, panicking because of my dad and I don't know what you're gonna say if you're gonna hug me or punch me or tell me to get the fuck out or what I don't know.

But I know that I'll be there. And I know you don't owe me a god damn thing.

I'm scared of being lost.